The long-awaited first full week of DC Comics’ New 52 has finally arrived! I’ll be reviewing all 52 #1 issues released this month, and you can find all of the reviews on the Comic Book Reviews index page. In a perfect world, Green Arrow’s relaunch would not be written by the author who wrote that Oliver Queen developed his archery skills by using limbless cadavers as targets, as well as writing the masterful comic where Green Arrow’s former sidekick has a hallucinogenic trip off of heroin and has a sexual encounter with a cat he believes to be his dead daughter. This is not that world. Be afraid.
This review will be full of spoilers of stupid crap.
I’ll forgo the formality of creating sections for “The Right” and “The Wrong” because it’s pretty apparent from the introduction what kind of review this is going to be. Rather than split hairs and try to force myself to squeeze out the pros and cons of this first issue, I’m going to list off some of the particularly ridiculous things that occur within it:
- The book opens up with the eeeevil CEO of Oliver Queen’s company trying to conspire against Oliver to the company’s board. Unfortunately, he comes off looking like a total fool when he states that the company is under-performing. only to be immediately shot down by a board member who asserts that the company’s numbers are actually exceeding projections. Evil-CEO-Guy counters that fact with this amazing snarky dialogue: “That was last quarter. I’m talking about the next quarter… the next year… the next five years. And I wasn’t talking to you. Tell me, is the visionary Oliver Queen losing his touch?” The answer is probably “No”, dude, since the company’s numbers are fricking exceeding their projections. Oooo, I can feel the menace coming off of this guy right through the page.
- We first see Green Arrow in Paris, where he’s tracked three supervillains to a nightclub boat. Ollie apparently recognizes the three supervillains “from their disturbing YouTube videos”. Because that’s what villains do–post disturbing, violent videos on YouTube that can be used against them in court when they get caught.
- Ollie then jumps off the roof of the building he’s been observing from and somehow falls what looks like several stories across the dock, totally unassisted and unprotected, through the glass and into the interior of the boat, where he then unprovoked attacks the villains on a dance floor filled with innocent bystanders.
- Green Arrow can’t fight villains while safely driving a boat, so he shoots a special remote-computer-access arrow at a random spot on the dashboard of the boat, where the arrow instantly hacks into the boat’s CPU and allows Ollie’s hacker friend to remotely take control of the boat and drive it from her lab across the world.
- One of the fantastic new villains Green Arrow captures in this issue is Doppelganger, a woman whose ability is that the drugs she takes make her temporarily muscle up and grow two more arms and a second face that talks in synch with her original face. Whatever drug that is, I’m gonna stay the hell away from it.
- In the issue’s “shocking cliffhanger”, we’re introduced to what I guess is Green Arrow’s new “Rogues Gallery”! And what a Rogues Gallery it is!! Edward from Twilight is front and center with his bare chest showing through his open shirt; flanked by albino-boobs-showing vampire-looking chick on his shoulder; and with karate-martial-artsy guy standing in front of him along with dwarfish-muscly-brawler guy. But that’s not all! Brawler badass woman is off to one side, and we’ve got a pair of hot chick identical twins on the other. And I swear to God, Chewbacca himself is in the back row with his head sticking out behind everyone else.
- The next issue blurb reads: “Next Issue: Super-Hero Deaths Will Be TELEVISED!“ Man, if that doesn’t bring the readers back, I don’t know what will.
Overall: This book is worse than a complete failure, and I would assign it a grade lower than an “F” if one existed. As terrible as the pre-DCnU Green Arrow was, a lot of loyal readers still picked it up out of outstanding loyalty to Oliver Queen and his charm, history, and legacy. With a fresh start in a new DCnU with a much different and younger Green Arrow, this is absolutely not the Ollie fans know and love, so they can drop this book like a sack of crap without remorse. Unlike other bad comics in the first week of The New 52 like OMAC, Green Arrow #1 isn’t just bad–it’s stupid. Writers are people too and I’m generally not a fan of bashing them–but JT Krul is a total hack and needs to get away from Oliver Queen before he destroys every shred of good will left in fandom towards Green Arrow.